Sometimes We Just Need To...

SCREAM!!!Ok. Let me start by giving a brief overview of my situation before I start this bitch fest. Cool?.
I have Lyme Disease. Simple, right?. Not in the slightest. Everyone, doctors included seem to believe it's an easily treatable disease, however 3 weeks of antibiotics works in most cases, assuming you catch it fairly early. With my situation, I had gotten Lyme when I was just yay big or so. 3 weeks of antibiotics..all is good for the 6 year old. Life continues. May of 2008 my life went out the door. Then that shit was deadbolted. Saw doctor after doctor, no one thought my pains,etc were legit. Even after close to 20 postive blood results + spinal tap blood (That's a mess of a story in itself). About 2 years after that (2010) I found a doctor who treated me all started to look up.
And let me just say, the emotional, mental and physical state I was in at that time was not a good one.
I don't want to get into much detail about that yet...Another day.
This is where my bitching will enter stage right.
I have been on an IV drip for about a year now. EVERYDAY, 7 days a week for 12 months. Plus roughly 3 different oral antibiotics along with that, that interchange based on symptomsn ever few weeks. So at any given time I'm taking four different medications a day. This has become my life.
I have to plan my day accordingly, not the biggest deal though.
My issue is that I've seen progress the whole way through, slight progress, but progress nonetheless with minor fall backs here and there
 When I first started, I was under the impression it would only be about 3 months of treatment. Naturally 3 turned to 6, turned to 9...etc. here I am at 12 and still going strong.
I'm at the point where I'm kind of getting worse again. It's like any little speck of glimmer of hope you thought you had just POOF, disapears. At this point I don't feel I should be retreating. I have lost everything from work, money, friends, personal relationships, hope, and just something so simple as looking forward to future possibilites.

I can no longer look forward at what's to come in my future. I can't live like that or I will be beaten down by disapointment, knowing that when that time comes..I'll probably be to sick to actualy do those things or just enjoy it general. Everyone is off away at school and or working full time. Thats where I thought I would be. Thats where I want to be. Everyone is partying and making some of the best memories of their lives right now.. Me... I am just here. In this same shit hole town. Stuck. With no options until my body decides it's had enough and can
A. Take no more and just die off.
B. Stay in said positon until eternals end.
C. I do a complete 360 and wam bam I pick up where I left off about 3 years ago.

I am here. Not happy. Forced to go to school online because I wouldn't know if I'd be able to make to an actual school every day. I am forced to pass up amazing job opportunites because I don't think I would be able to make it to the city or work everyday. Forced to give up people because I have a terrible habbit of bailing on them with sudden onset of sickness. Forced to pass up good times because in the end, I spend my life stuck here. In this room. My bedroom. I stare at 4 walls. I live behind these 4 walls. These wall hold my secrets. I trust them more than all the friends that used to be in my life. They don't know me now. I don't know them just the same. I don't even think I've changed all that much. I've realized that life isn't all lollipops and butterflies like maybe they'd like to believe.

Each day is a struggle to survive. I struggle to keep moving foward and having that hope. Because like I mentioned, all is well until your health starts to go back down hill.
My body likes to fuck with me. Maybe a sick and twisted game to see who's more powerful. He builds me up, encourages me, shows me some light that the future holds... and then he kicks his feet up on his desk, shows me the worst of the worst and just laughs. Like one of those villain laughs. Here I am, like "damn, I fell for it again".

I am rambling. I don't remember what I wrote maybe 5 minuets ago. Then again that could be my Lymes. But I pray. Im not religous. I don't believe in "God". But I pray when I'm really afraid. I don't think I do it right though. I can't tell if it's working. I can't say it keeps me all that sane either. I feel better when I talk. I don't like to talk to "God" though because I feel when you do that your supposed to expect some sort of merical that you know won't really happen. So I talk to people that are dead. Maybe that's who I'm praying to. So they can do stupid shit like play a song on the radio and make me laugh over the irony of it.. They wont judge me. They wont show me pitty. I don't want to be pittied..I just want to ramble with no interuptions  until I have nothing left and that person can still listen more because they're is always more to say.

I bite hard on a pillow and SCREAM as hard and loud as I can because I cant find a really cool cliff to do that at.

I turn the music up as loud as I can take it and sing even with a terrible voice because maybe If the music is loud enough, I won't be able to hear my won thoughts.

I paint, with no intention other than to make the hardest strokes I can and paint as fast as I can so my mind can focus on "gotta finish, gotta finish, gotta finish" rather than my thoughts.

I read about lives more terrible than mine so I have something to feel better about and part of me can laugh a little at someone elses misfortune for once.

I put on a really good fucking face when people as me how I am doing. They don't know I feel like I'm on my knees almost dragging myself to safty just with my arms when I smile at them.

I have a closer relationship to people that serve me my coffee everyday than the people I'm "friends" with.

*Keep in mind this is just a little taste. I didn't post this so you can feel sorry for me or because I need attention or any that bull shit you all seem to think. This is just a place for me to bitch bitch bitch and just feel a little better for a moment.