The I.V Round 2.

2 weeks on orals. Literally just walked in the door from my check up.
Got the news I didn't want to hear. I was expecting it though.
For what it's worth this round of meds hasn't been insanly harsh but I can't lie that it still sucks.

This is my current list of symptoms that my meds have brought out in these two weeks.
My lyme and 2 co infections babesia and bartonella are all out:
-Chest pain
-Headache
-Dizzy/light headed
-Feeling of a lump in my throat
-Anxiety
-Hot flashes
-Not sleeping
-Ears popping
-Joint pian /knees & hips
-Muscle Pain/ legs & back
-Nausea
-Tummy pains/cramps

You're probably like what the fuck ha. Why do this to yourself, and I often ask myself the same thing...
So the goal is to go on I.V rosefin and oral mepron starting next week. Mepron will bring more shit out so the I.V medicine can kill it. That's the basic science of it.
My doc seems to believe I should only be on the I.V for a month. I laughed naturally..
I bank on at least 3 months then again who really knows then back on orals for a short while.

I DO have some mixed feelings about this though. Because 1. I much prefer i.v or orals anyday. 2. I did very well on i.v. last time even though I was on it for over a year.
The down side is obviously having so sit through an i.v for at least 5 days a week and money and of course the anxiety of what if I became allergic to it...

We shall see how it goes. Just a little update for you..

Day 3

Day 3 on meds.
Only doing half my doses. It's still hitting rougher than I expected it to..or rather hitting more than I hoped it would.
Secretly hoping I'm immune to all the meds their are so I have an excuse not to enduse myself with pain.
It's a love hate thing. Told it'll be better than the last time, I believe it but something about forcing yourself to go through such tourment is such a mind fuck for sure.

Regardless who's surrounding me in my life I need to realize I'm doing this on my own. Those poeple that support have no idea what my bodies feeling. Learning to rely on no one is the toughest part.

Day 1 was mainly uncomfortable, getting used to the upset stomach and general sick feeling along with the anxiety that comes with every pill ingested.. A waiting game for an allergic reaction mostly.

Day 2 was the same durring the day. 6pm rolled around and my world got flipped upside down. Unable to tell the difference between just a general pms or whether it was my meds kicking in or a combo of both.. Ill go with the later.
It was by far my roughest night in a long time to say the least. The world needed to end at that very moment to appease my needs. Not a soul to care, nor do I really expect them to. We need to be told everything will be ok even when we know it wont be. We want to smile when we are down and secretly hope that someones humor can take away our pains. This is not reality.

Again on my own. Never wanting to be in this place. Im tired of my headaches. It makes me not want to continue the treatment.  A battle of logic and rational reasoning against your own natural will to not want to feel pain.

Missed my morning dose in hopes of good company. Maybe taking them later will ensure a better night for now.. This wont matter when I do the full dose. It'll mean pain and discomfort all day long.
I have nothing left in my life to loose yet I'm still afraid of loosing it all.
Hope is all I'm afraid of really losing...

Out Of Remission

You may not understand now. You may not understand ever. No matter which way I could possibly get my words out to you they hold no real meaning when the same words hold a different meaning in your eyes.
I can not and CHOOSE not to ignore what  feel. They are real, the pain and discomfort is real. The anxiety is real. What I go through on a daily basis is real whether anyone else chooses to aknowledge it or not.

It's Jan 1st 2012. I called to set up an appointment with my doctor for the 5th. I dread this.
I've been free of any sort of medication, well, since my last post of here.
That time was well spent for the most part. Living was easier to say the least. I may not have been able to travel the world still but It's the simple things you take for granted that make your day worth it.
I was able to meet friends for coffee, meet some new people, travel to places farther than the gas station. I was able to do something like commit to an art show.. ahhaha ... THATS INSANE to think about.. so simple. easy for anyone. Youll NEVER get it what that feels like....

I had ridded myself of all the dark in my life. He braught me down so hard I swore i'd never let any one ever to that to me again. Never ever let anyone hinder any sort of progress you have when it comes to your health because when all is said and done nothing else really matters if you cant stand to live in the first place..right?


Here's to the start of a new and 2nd venture.
A second round of meds. A new fella to tag along.. My only hope is that he can keep up.
It's been drilled into my head so hard that no one will ever understand or want to be around for what I go through, to hold my hand, to sacrafice just as much as I have to. I hate going through this every few months let along willingly participating for someone else.
This one has my heart a bit. It'd be a shame to do this alone again. He still doesnt get it as much as Id love for him to. Slightly Ignorant to the reality of what I go through but I want him to see. First hand. I want this one to understand. <3
 

This one scares me. From day one he's scared me. A 50/50 shot hell make it. I have faith in this one though. It's gotten to the point where it's slightly comical to see who will stay and who will run when it comes down to it and when I get knee deep in this shit.

For all I know I could be wrong and everything will be all good,..... right.. haha
Ill bet my eggs in the other basket to ensure my hope isnt broken though.